Having religious differences in a relationship is something that many people are familiar with. Some find ways to work around it, some find it a complete and utter deal-breaker. Some friends of mine got engaged last weekend, they make a fabulous couple and are very much in love, but their differing of core beliefs kinda makes me nervous. The guy in the relationship (for privacy sake, we'll call him Scott) most certainly has Jesus at the center of his heart, and his whole reality is based on a faith in the Christian God. God empowers him, challenges him, gives him a way to find all the answers he needs in life. However, his new fiancé Tracy is not exactly a polar opposite, but is very agnostic. She was raised under the Christian faith, but developed her doubts as she got old enough to make her own decisions. In fact, she and I have had many long conversations about our religious pasts because they're so similar.I guess I have two questions: 1) Has Tracy in fact decided to fully accept Jesus into her heart and truly declare herself a Christian? 2) If not, then will Scott be able to live with the fact that his wife doesn't share in his Christian faith? No I haven't asked them these questions myself because they live in Michigan and I don't see or talk to them that often; and yes, they will probably read this blog and it will spark more long phone conversations, but I guess that's half the point :)
My grandparents are in a similar situation, except not nearly as concerning. My grandpa drives my grandma to mass every Sunday, he sits in the car and reads the paper while she holds hands with other Catholics, sings songs about God, takes communion, and professes the Creed. Neither of them seem to mind the other's position, considering they've been married for 50+ years now. I wonder if Scott and Tracy will be able to settle into such a neutral lifestyle, or if it will eventually eat away at them and the love I know they have for each other.They've been a couple for several years now, and they've always known and talked about their
differences and been very accepting of them. In this kind of relationship, in the long run, it seems that it's the more agnostic/atheist person that is less concerned about it. They seem to be of the mindset, "Sure honey, I'll go with you to church, and I'm happy you have your faith," even though they really don't have it in their heart to join them. And it always seems that it's the more religious of the two who is the most concerned about their partner not joining them in their united life in Christ. Because a Christian marriage isn't just about two people as a couple who buy a house and have kids – it's supposed to be about living a life for God and Jesus together, and teaching those ideals to your children, and those are very serious and deeply-rooted things. It's not always as simple as "Ok honey, I'm off to church, enjoy your paper while you wait in the car."
Unfortunately for your friends, sociologists tell us that they don't have much of a chance. Contempt is by far the most difficult thing for a married couple to overcome, but differences on faith are about as hard on a marriage as infidelity.
ReplyDeleteI know two couples with inter-faith marriages and both would discourage it. One is an Evangelical and a Mormon, they have much more in common than a Christan and an Agnostic. When their daughter was born a new level of conflict was added to their lives. If they marry, I would seriously recommend that they avoid having children.
To your Christian friend I recommend he seriously consider the command (not mere advice) of scripture: Don't marry an unbeliever; if you find yourself married to an unbeliever stay with them.
If, as you say, Scott's whole reality is based on Jesus, it seems curious that he wouldn't seek out a spouse that feels the same. There's a major disconnect there.
I'm sure they are both great people and have a great deal they share and love about one another, but both secular and religious wisdom suggests that they join their life with someone who shares their deepest values.