My frustrating search

My history with this search kinda goes like this: I met Alison, she was totally not the kind of preachy Christian that I've encountered, she was very sweet and genuine about it. And it made me want to know more. So I started going to church with her and asking my friends about it, and I discovered that I have a lot of friends who are Christians, and they're all pretty level-headed about it. I didn't run into too many wacky bible thumpers, and it was encouraging. I was actually kinda excited to discover god and find this happiness and peace that so many of my friends seemed to enjoy.

However over the last year and a half, the more I researched the history of the religion and the infallible word of god that is the bible, the more I learned that it is quite different than what I thought. For instance:

I'm learning about all the polytheism that actually exists in the bible and the early Israelites, even with the founding fathers of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. How their god was quite possibly the god El, the same god worshipped by the Caananites. And he had a wife called Asherah, and a son named Ba'al. And that god is actually the head of a council of gods, on which he regularly executed judgement, just like he did on people and nations in the bible.

I'm learning how the bible was written, and re-written and edited over the centuries, and how books in the bible were inserted or removed to reconcile the whole text with whatever the current beliefs happened to be. And it seems that the "infallible" word of god is actually a constant editing process that was at the whim of whatever king or bishop happened to strong-arm his point of view at the time.

The more I studied archeology and DNA evidence and such for the history of humankind and the history of life on earth, and the history of the earth and the universe, I discovered that it is very contradictory to what the bible says. Or a lot of what I'm finding out to be proven fact, the bible is either very vague and cryptic, or completely silent.

And now presented with all this new data that people didn't know 2000 years ago (or sometimes even decades ago), it seems more and more christians must practice a constant double-think: the bible is infallible, 100% accurate and all inspired by god; yet some of it is allegorical, but it's a personal decision which parts are literal or allegorical, and that changes depending on what argument is being presented, but all times god is 100% accurate. And the more science discovers things to be different than what the bible says, the more allegorical the bible must become, yet it's still 100% accurate and inspired by god.

And I am generally finding it uninspiring and fallacied when Christian apologetics ignores or re-shapes a lot of this data to fit into their one unchangeable answer: god. It's like they already have the answer, so whatever new data is discovered must be reconciled to fit their answer that can never be wrong, rather than letting the data and evidence determine what the answer could be. I'm not saying there's any 100% empirical evidence to prove god's non-existence or anything like that (in fact I admit there are plenty of things science hasn't proven – yet), but it seems to make Christians squirm to even consider that their infinite solid rock of a god may be a little different than they've always thought, so it gets shut out completely. And that thinking emotionally biases every bit of research they do.

All this stuff kinda makes the religion lose its validity to me. Or at least waters it down considerably. I didn't intend to discover all these things or feel this way at all – quite the contrary. At the beginning I was really looking forward to finding god and allowing myself to be swept up in the emotional experience of being loved by a god and a savior and all that bit. But I just can't do it yet, not with all this contradicting stuff I'm finding. I can't sing the songs and pray the prayers. And I admit I'm kinda disappointed. People keep telling me to just "ask god and see what he says." Well, I am, and these are the answers I keep getting.

So that's where I am.

Religious survey, with emphasis on Christianity

This blog has always been about me putting out my opinions, ideas, and conclusions for the world to see, which always result in discussions of all kinds. For the first time, the entire goal of this post is to hear from you, without first having to read any of my incessant babbling.

Here's a fun and short survey I put together to get a general sense of people's religious background (or at least the people who happen to stumble across my blog anyway). It's totally anonymous. Just one page, with some info on you and your faith, or lack there of.

I will post the results here so we can all compare stats. Should be fun. Please feel free to pass this survey along to anyone who might be interested.

Take the survey now

Thanks for your sharing your input and thoughts in my search for the divine.

Follow-up to the Purple Unicorn post

Based on some of the reactions I got from my post on Sunday, I feel I need to follow it up with a little back story.

It happens very (VERY) often in my search for the divine that I am presented with the warm fuzzies about god. Every time I've been to church, songs are sung praising the beauty and amazingness and holiness of god, and all these celebratory images of glory. And stories are told by individuals about how the power of god's love changed their lives and brought them out of the darkness. And claims over and over are spoken about how all you need in life is faith, that god loves you, and you should just let go - and let god. On a pure emotional level, it is very easy to get swept up in these inspiring sentiments of comfort, coddling, protection, and justice. However, when trying discern one religion from another, this tone of praise is pretty constant across many faiths, and you could very easily substitute Allah, Vishnu, or Akua in any of those statements, and you would be comfortably in the shoes of a different faith. And if you lived 3,000 years ago, you could insert El or Zeus in these statements of reverence and be just as at-home there too.

My post was a literal collection of phrases, worship song lyrics, and scriptures that I've heard over my lifetime acclaiming people's love for god. I made none of it up myself, just strung it together into a couple paragraphs. And to create a satire showing this general euphoric tone that spans many faiths, I used the Purple Unicorn as my target of adoration. And hey, maybe there is someone out there who genuinely worships Purple Unicorn, and maybe they will find my passage inspiring.

Please note that it is never EVER my intention to offend anyone with my opinions, ideas, or conclusions. I do acknowledge however that the subject of religion is incredibly touchy, and any opinions regarding it (especially those that may reveal a disagreement or discrepancy) will inevitably offend someone. That's a risk that I am forced to take as I document my journey into the unknown. But it is never my direct intention to offend or deride or blaspheme. If you wanna make an omelette, yadda yadda. I am genuinely and earnestly researching as much as I can, then just relaying my conclusions based on the evidence I find. Or I'm just documenting my perspective of situations I've encountered. And sometimes I do insert some humor into the equation, and those of you who know me shouldn't find this a surprise at all. If we can't laugh at ourselves and the world around us, then why bother? Nothing I write here is ever to be taken as my declaration of the truth, but just me calling 'em as I see 'em.

I am very grateful for those of you who read the thoughts and opinions that I write here, contribute to the discussions that result (however constructive or incendiary they may be), or email me your private thoughts, or engross me with long chats in person. I consider many of you dear friends, and all your contributions are really helping me sort all this crazy shit out.

So I say a hearty "thank you" for reading, and "I apologize" if I've offended you, and "you're welcome" if I've inspired you, and "Hey I'm just trying to figure things out here" if I've challenged your beliefs, and "don't mention it" if I've made your faith stronger. And get ready because there's a good chance you may be any of the above in any future post I write here.

My god is an AWESOME god

I just wanted to take a minute to profess my intense love and faith for my god. He is in everything I do, everything I see, everyone I know… whether they know him or not :) His love is so endless and powerful, he created the universe with a thought (and even that was a piece of cake for his infinite powers), he knows every thought I'm thinking at every moment, and knows every thought I will ever think. And he knows you too, even if you aren't aware of it.

He is the only way to true happiness. All you have to do is have total faith in him and put your life and your heart in his hands, he will guide you and bring your life into such perfect perspective. He knows your faults, your struggles, your mistakes, and if you just take that one step and give these over to god, then no matter what has happened in your life, no matter what you've done, you will be forgiven and loved. It can be a rough and bumpy road sometimes, but in the end, god will be faithful. And by accepting him into your heart, you will be granted everlasting life to be by his side in the next life. Can you imagine, being next to god in the most beautiful place that you can't even imagine for all eternity? How awesome is that!

Many many years ago, when he first created his covenant with his chosen people, he proved himself over and over again with miracles and by physically being present on earth, and by actually showing up and speaking to people. He doesn't manifest in such an obvious, physical way anymore, but he doesn't need to – I see his presence in every good deed that people do around me, every child's laugh, every sunset. Every ounce of love that I share for my fellow man is hard evidence of my god's existence.

This, my good friends, is why I give my complete faith over to my god, the Purple Unicorn. He truly is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, mighty to save. Place your trust in him and you too can know his peace. The only proof you will ever need of his existence is all around you, because he IS love. And whenever people share in his love, grace, and mercy, he is there. That's all the proof I ever need. If you even have faith in Purple Unicorn the size of a mustard seed, you can truly move mountains. His love is amazing, for Purple Unicorn is the redeemer of all life on earth.

In Purple Unicorn's precious name I pray, Amen.

For love or Jesus?

Having religious differences in a relationship is something that many people are familiar with. Some find ways to work around it, some find it a complete and utter deal-breaker. Some friends of mine got engaged last weekend, they make a fabulous couple and are very much in love, but their differing of core beliefs kinda makes me nervous. The guy in the relationship (for privacy sake, we'll call him Scott) most certainly has Jesus at the center of his heart, and his whole reality is based on a faith in the Christian God. God empowers him, challenges him, gives him a way to find all the answers he needs in life. However, his new fiancé Tracy is not exactly a polar opposite, but is very agnostic. She was raised under the Christian faith, but developed her doubts as she got old enough to make her own decisions. In fact, she and I have had many long conversations about our religious pasts because they're so similar.

I guess I have two questions: 1) Has Tracy in fact decided to fully accept Jesus into her heart and truly declare herself a Christian? 2) If not, then will Scott be able to live with the fact that his wife doesn't share in his Christian faith? No I haven't asked them these questions myself because they live in Michigan and I don't see or talk to them that often; and yes, they will probably read this blog and it will spark more long phone conversations, but I guess that's half the point :)

My grandparents are in a similar situation, except not nearly as concerning. My grandpa drives my grandma to mass every Sunday, he sits in the car and reads the paper while she holds hands with other Catholics, sings songs about God, takes communion, and professes the Creed. Neither of them seem to mind the other's position, considering they've been married for 50+ years now. I wonder if Scott and Tracy will be able to settle into such a neutral lifestyle, or if it will eventually eat away at them and the love I know they have for each other.

They've been a couple for several years now, and they've always known and talked about their differences and been very accepting of them. In this kind of relationship, in the long run, it seems that it's the more agnostic/atheist person that is less concerned about it. They seem to be of the mindset, "Sure honey, I'll go with you to church, and I'm happy you have your faith," even though they really don't have it in their heart to join them. And it always seems that it's the more religious of the two who is the most concerned about their partner not joining them in their united life in Christ. Because a Christian marriage isn't just about two people as a couple who buy a house and have kids – it's supposed to be about living a life for God and Jesus together, and teaching those ideals to your children, and those are very serious and deeply-rooted things. It's not always as simple as "Ok honey, I'm off to church, enjoy your paper while you wait in the car."

Prayers on deaf ears

Recently a close friend of mine was experiencing a matter of life and death. The suddenness by which it appeared to her and her family was only equaled by its potential for utter heartbreak. However a strange side effect happened to me that I wasn’t expecting. Someone came to me and asked that I pray for her about this situation, and since they know that I’ve been going to church weekly, they asked that I tell other people and ask them to pray about it too. It was a very dire request, and it took me off guard. This person said, very sincerely, to please ask as many people as I could to pray for our friend and her family. Which got me thinking very hard about prayer. And needless to say, I’m confused.

It’s been told to me many times that God has a plan for all of us, for the earth, for the entire universe. If this is true, then we are silly indeed if we think we can change this plan – or even more audaciously, if we think we can ask God to change his plan for us measly humans. And to me, every time I hear someone praying for something, they’re asking for something they want to happen. It’s not necessarily a selfish request; in this case, people were praying for my friend and her family to avoid deathly catastrophe. But every time, a prayer is us asking God, “Please, let this happen.” Now correct me if I’m wrong, but God already knows whether he’s going to allow someone to die or not, since we’re all living out his plan, right? So us asking him is rather futile, because whatever’s written in his plan is going to happen, no matter what. If the person lives, God didn’t really answer anybody’s prayer, because he already planned on letting that person live. And if the person dies, God didn’t ignore anyone’s prayer, because he planned on killing that person anyway. It’s almost like the prayer falls on deaf ears, because why should God care what we want, he’s the big boss with the all-knowing reasons behind everything, why on earth should he change his grand plan just because we ask him to?

And it also seems to be the belief among all peoples of faith that the sheer number of people praying for one specific thing will effect how God will answer. I think it’s already apparent that God’s going to follow his plan no matter what. So whether it’s one person or 10 million, if God wants that person to kick the bucket, there ain’t nothing we can do about it. If all 7 billion humans on earth prayed every day for 10 years for an amputee to suddenly sprout a new leg on their own, it would still never happen. And that’s a lot of prayer power right there.

If a person dies, people quickly forget that God completely ignored their earnest requests for keeping this person alive and healthy, because they immediately start praying for God to provide comfort to them and their family. When again, God already knows whether or not that’s going to happen. OR… if this person lives, people walk around wide-eyed and reverent, claiming that it was a miracle and a sign of God’s faith. God didn’t do anything different than what he already had planned, we’re just the ones going up in arms about it either way, as if we actually had something to do with it. We’re so freakin’ melodramatic.

What I’ve also been told is that God wants us to pray, because he wants us to attempt the communication with him. To keep up the personal relationship. If we were to hear God’s side of the conversation, it might be kind of heartbreakingly ironic: “Aww shucks guys, I really appreciate the communication. I still let them die anyway, but thanks for the effort!” That’s the cue for Buddy Christ to appear and give us all the thumbs up.

People's explanation for what prayer is seems to change to fit the situation. God answered your prayer because God is faithful and he answers prayers. Or he didn't answer your prayer because there must be a lesson you're supposed to learn. It's all part of God's grand plan, but let's ask for something else we want and hope God answers because he is faithful and he answers prayers. It seems strangely circular. And futile. And I don’t get it.

Will blog for food

I’m a little torn on how I feel toward homeless people. Everyone’s seen them standing at the freeway offramp, or at a stoplight on the center median, holding the stereotypical cardboard sign with some phrase describing their hardship written in a sharpie (one question always comes to mind: where did they get the sharpie?). Some are old, some surprisingly young, some have their pets with them, some have their children, some are Vietnam vets, others recently lost their jobs. However, despite their apparently destitute situation, I’m always hesitant to hand out money or sympathy whenever I see such a person.

I currently work two careers to make my living and to fuel my ambitions for a prosperous life. I’m at a desk for 50 hours a week doing commercial graphic design, and for my fine art career I probably spend another 30 hours at home painting or hustling at art events. I’m constantly up into the wee hours of the night to get my artwork done, when many times I’d much rather just go to bed. But I do what I must to progress my career(s) forward. Hell even when I was a kid, my dad and I used to collect aluminum cans in alleys, take them to the recycling center, and he'd let my brother and I have all the money that we earned. So I can’t help but feel a little resentful when I’m driving home after just having spent 10 hours in an office earning a living, and I see a perfectly healthy looking man standing on the street corner with his cardboard sign, holding his hand out. I can understand if someone has just lost their job and are having a hard time, but I know for a fact that there are a multitude of programs out there to help people off the street. Shelters where they provide you with food, clean clothes, an address so you can apply for jobs. Or if they have the drive, they can start their own career working for themselves – just as I’ve done with my fine art career. I can’t help but feel many homeless people are there because they either choose to be there, or don't fully understand how to be anywhere else.

I made this silly little chart showing what I think are different categories of one's acknowledgment of their poor situation, as well as their understanding/desire for how to get out of it.


I bring up the homeless issue on this blog because it’s always the poor and misfortunate that are the supposed to be the recipients of our charity in many religions. And I’m all for helping people on hard times get back on their feet again. Soup kitchens, unemployment programs, food stamps, shelters – to help them in their time of destitution to get back on THEIR feet. Not to sustain them indefinitely. I feel the same thing is being done when I reach into my pocket and hand someone my spare change. I’m perpetuating their lifestyle of pan-handling. I’ve seen too many immigrants come over to this country with the shirt on their back – not even speaking our language – who work their asses off and prosper very nicely. So I know it can be done.

Though I guess there may be certain incentives to a homeless lifestyle. Standing at a busy intersection all day, being passed by 20 cars a minute for 10 hours – that could be 12,000 cars. And if only 1% of them stop and give that guy $1, that guy just made $120 cash. The tax-paid equivalent of that could be $144. And he just stood there, looking unhappy. Some people sweat all day with a hammer in their hand or pushing groceries across a barcode scanner and don’t make that much. This is not to say I think at all that being homeless is an easy, lucrative lifestyle. I can only imagine the extent of disease, drugs, and prostitution that are part of that way of life. But you'd think that would be even more of an incentive to climb out.

I do feel that many sidewalk wanderers are not mentally stable. And perhaps this is what prevents them from having the drive to move out of their situation. Perhaps the sane ones in the shelters trying to clean up and get their life back together actually DO, so we don’t seem them anymore. In college I helped a friend of mine film a documentary in LA on homeless people, and we interviewed several people on the street, and then several more in a shelter. And my sentiments were pretty much dead on. The grungy people living by the dumpster at 7-11 made me feel like I was talking to a cross between Jim Carrey and Hannibal Lector, and many people in the homeless shelter were folks who had lost their jobs and their homes and were earnestly trying to get back on top of their life. But there are also great numbers of people who don't know any other way of life, so their pit of despair is invisible to them.

So all in all, I agree with what many religions say about helping the needy and the poor. And I think helping the wretched souls of the world doesn’t need to hinge on any religion, just the desire to extend a hand to those who need it. However I’m all about teaching people to fish so that if they choose, they can realize their own ocean of potential – rather than handing them anchovies the rest of their life.